Struggling with Same-Sex Attraction

Dear Christian Counselor,

I struggle with same sex attraction, but also find myself attracted to the opposite sex, and I struggle terribly with lust which I want to overcome.  I really want to be a father, a normal guy, a role model. But instead I’m neurotic, narcissistic and not enough of a ‘guy.’ It seems that most girls clearly see I’m not what they’re looking for.  I fear that no girl would want me if they really knew me, and so I hide. I am so lonely, and I feel so lost. I just don’t know where God wants me.. I know I shouldn’t… but I really hate myself… I’m just lost inside.

Constantly Despairing

Dear Despairing,

First of all, I am so sorry for your painful struggle.  Everyone struggles with something, but – as is apparent in your letter – this particular ‘thorn’ penetrates the outer layers of identity and deeply pierces the heart.   It’s important to remember that your sexuality is only one part of who you are.  In fact, this struggle will be finished 100 years from now, and you will still be the same person.  Don’t define yourself by the parts of you that are distressing or temporary.  No one should do that.  The battle you are fighting now is not an accident; it is a chapter in the story which ends with the perfect you.

As you engage this struggle proactively, I would encourage you to connect with a spiritual community.  You need some friends who accept you, love you and pray for you.  You are not alone, though I’m sure it must feel that way sometimes.  Discover some parts of your identity that you can embrace (personality, passions, gifts, story, etc.).  Do some individual or group counseling to help you fight this battle well, fill the empty spaces in your heart and heal the wounds which have already occurred.  This is not a hopeless struggle because the God of hope is with you.

There are several Christian organizations which minister to those who struggle with same-sex attraction.  Check out their newsletters, resources and links: