How to Replace a Mother

Dear Christian Counselor,

Why is it that a woman who is already a grandmother still has such an overwhelming desire to know how it would feel to be loved, cared for and be given attention by a mom that wanted me? It makes me have a deep pain in my soul, and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I can even remember being a teenager and doing stupid things to try and get attention from older mother figures in the church. I DEPISE that part of me!!!

How do you get a hug from God when you just are feeling like you can’t make it ?? (a sweet mom could if I had one). How can you look in God’s eyes and see that everything will be okay? (a sweet mom could if I had one).

alone, scared and silent


Dear Alone,

God doesn’t despise the unloved child inside you, and neither do I. Perhaps you could try having some compassion for her, too – that would be a good start toward helping her feel better.

It has taken you a lifetime to accumulate the pain you feel, and it will probably take some time to reduce it. But the good news is that you can begin any time, and you really can get better. If you know Christ as your Lord and Savior, you will be the complete, confident, joyful self you would like to be when you see Him face to face. But every minute between now and then is an opportunity for God’s grace to start that work right now. I say this because you should expect this to take some effort on your part, and you need to be confident (not in yourself, but in God) that it can be done.

  1. Start by reading A Father’s Love Letter as your devotional every morning. This simple document combines multiple Scriptures describing God’s love for you. 
  2. A second step to repairing a damaged childhood is to surround yourself with a strong and compassionate community. No one can fully take the place of your mother, but a lot of caring friends can help fill in the cracks. If you don’t have a church home, take the next month to visit several and then make a commitment to attend. After that, you need to find a small group within the church, a study, a ministry or a social group, where you can go deeper with others. 
  3. Finally, begin interacting with God in a mutual relationship. He speaks to you through Scripture, spiritual friends and His Holy Spirit in your heart. Listen! And then talk to Him about everything, even your anger. Write Him notes, comment on the Scriptures you are reading, sing Christian music around the house as your worship, thank Him for blessings large and small. I once set myself the goal of telling God I loved Him every hour. I won’t say I ever did it perfectly, but I do find myself more aware of His presence than I was before.

I’m so sorry you had such a painful childhood. I wish I could undo it. Fortunately, God is in the business of healing wounds and redeeming the broken things in our lives. I hope you will embark on that journey with determination and optimism. God really wants to give you the love you need, but you do have to come to Him in faith in order to begin to receive it. May God grant you that trust and courage.


Related Material:

The Mother Love of God

Mother-Shaped Holes

Can a Christian Be Depressed?

Christian background - Desperation

Dear Christian Counselor:

 

Can a Christian be both depressed and victorious? I have struggled with mild depression most of my adult life, enough that it’s hard to stay on task, and a disagreement can ruin a day or two. I certainly don’t feel victorious but I do continue to pursue the things of God with Bible study, prayer and fellowship. Am I sinning when I am depressed? Doesn’t it show signs of unbelief?

 

Praying for Strength and Relief


Dear Praying:

 

Every year millions of people struggle with various forms of depression. Recently, we learned that Mother Theresa considered herself to be a “saint of darkness” due to seasons of depression. Scripture shows us that even biblical characters experienced this mood disorder. Elijah, the prophet, felt so defeated that he wanted to die. Psalm 88 describes a deep depression in which the author asked if God had rejected him. Paul mentions an ache that will not leave him. Depression is real, and it happens to Christians.

 

Depression can happen for a variety of reasons. It can be biological, or it may occur following life changes. It can happen after childbirth or because there are years of undealt-with emotions in a person’s life. We live in a fallen world, and it affects us all differently. Sometimes, that means depression.

 

Depression becomes a spiritual issue when it leads us to ask questions like, “Has God forgotten me?” or “Am I truly a believer?” Christians work very hard to ‘just pray better’ or ‘memorize more verses’ to make depression go away. Christians tend to feel guilty and withdraw from others, compounding depression’s difficulties since we need the presence of caring people in our healing process.

 

Most people can see growth through depression with the help of counseling and the support of community. Sometimes medicine can help. A good counselor will encourage you to explore causes of depression. They will also give you space to wrestle honestly with the spiritual aspects of your mood. In God’s mysterious providence, our problems often thrust us into increased dependence on God. He is, after all, a Man acquainted with sorrows (Is. 53:3).

 

Jessica


Biblical Counselors on Depression (CCEF podcast)
Is Depression a Sin? (Focus on the Family)

Compassion Fatigue

BurnoutDear Christian Counselor:

 

Working in ministry is tough and the hours and responsibilities are many. How do I set boundaries, yet still be loving and truly motivated for the cause of Christ and not for the notice of people?

 

– Pouring Out and Pooped

 


Dear Pooped:

 

I’m not sure there should really be a difference between working in Christian ministry and working in any other vocation; we are all called to love and serve wherever we are.  But as someone who has done both, I can testify that there really is a difference.  Part of the difference involves the demands we place on ourselves and the rest comes from others’ expectations of those in the helping professions.

 

We teach people what to expect by the way we respond to them.  Do you jump out of bed at midnight to comfort the grieving family you barely know on the other end of the phone?  Or do you pray for them and contact their closest friends to do the comforting?   I have a phrase I say often to myself, and I will give it to you, too: “They have a Savior, and it’s not me.”  The guiding rule of Christ is love for God and man, so the question is not how can I protect myself, but how can I love God and others well?   I know that I cannot do that when I am frazzled, exhausted and frustrated.

 

For me, the key is to look into the face of Christ and know that I am following the path that HE has laid out for me, not the path I have crafted for myself or that others have tried to construct for me.  When I know that I am OK with God, then I can say yes or no to others in greater freedom – even when they may be disappointed with my response.

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