Are You Lonely?

 

Ironically, loneliness is something which binds us all together. Introvert or extrovert, nomad wanderer or family man, no matter who or where you are, we all feel alone sometimes. I’ve been told there’s no loneliness like a life of being single, and I believe it. I’ve also been told there’s no loneliness like being married and yet on your own. I believe that, too. Loneliness is a hallmark of the human condition.

 

When Adam and Eve fell, they became separated in all their relationships – from each other, from Creation itself and from God. And their descendants inherited their misery. All our associations have become a daily struggle. We misunderstand our friends and malign our enemies instead of ministering to those around us. We fight with the weeds in our yard rather than cooperating with the soil to bring life and color into the world. And we are prone to forget God within moments of knowing His gracious presence with us. You are not experiencing anything strange or unexpected when you feel alone, but loneliness IS a painful form of suffering.

 

So what can you do about it?

 

  • Accept it. You will never cure all your loneliness in this life. Like a clap of thunder on a sunny day, it can strike you at any time, out of the blue. Loneliness sometimes triggers sorrow, frustration, confusion, desperation, anxiety and the feeling that we must be doing something wrong. While you cannot cure all your loneliness, you can refuse to give in to the temptations that come with it, temptations to believe and to do things to fight it, to explain it and to end it. Instead, accept it. It comes with being human. There is something better ahead. If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world (CS Lewis). You are just going to be lonely for a little while here, and that’s OK. Everyone else is, too.
  • Connect with others. The walk of faith was never meant to be a solo journey. Even before the Fall God said it was not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). Jesus Himself had friends, and He sent his disciples out two by two. God placed us in families, in neighborhoods and nations so we could reach toward the hands and hearts of those around us. The church needs you, and you need the church. Even if it scares you, you were made for relationship. I always tell people that it takes between three and five attempts to make a new friend. Devise a prayerful plan, and be ready to persevere. It’s worth it.
  • Connect with creation. Even if you have a terminally brown thumb like me, you can find ways to enjoy nature. I find that spending five minutes outside (even in the Florida heat) brings me a peace I cannot find indoors. One of my favorite activities is snorkeling where I experience a beautiful world normally witnessed by God alone. He made us for garden life, so get out there. Take a walk. Get a plant or a pet. Arrange some flowers. Paint a landscape.
  • Connect with God. Read Romans 8. Even when you don’t feel it, you are NEVER ALONE, NEVER UNLOVED, NEVER HOPELESS. God knows intimately all your circumstances, your blessings and the heart groanings even you don’t understand. If He loved you enough to send His only Son to die for you, why would He abandon you now?  Stay in God’s word. Study it with others. Pray at every opportunity and in every state of mind. Keep a gratefulness journal.

You cannot finally cure your loneliness by doing these things, but sometimes you will get a taste of the future which waits for us in which we will never be lonely again.

Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, a book review

Why do bad things happen to faithful people? It’s a question which drove me to despair as a young Christian struggling with the devastating effects of stage 4 cancer. It’s a question which has caused my friends and clients great dismay over the course of my counseling ministry. When I needed answers, I was able to find books dealing with either the theological tangles (most notably for me, The Sovereignty of God by AW Pink) or the emotional process of suffering (e.g., A Grief Observed by CS Lewis or Holding On To Hope by Nancy Guthrie). Now there is a book which attempts to include both the intellectual questions and the practical strategies in one volume, Tim Keller’s Walking with God through Pain and Suffering (Random House, 2013).

 

The book is divided into three parts. Simply put, the first part defines the questions inherent in suffering, the second part wrestles with those questions and the third part offers some Scriptural strategies for coping with suffering. That means two thirds of the book is intellectual in nature, a preponderance concealed by the title. And yet, that was the crux of the matter for me. When I was able to discern a little logic, a little purpose in the universe which included suffering, it eased some of the exhaustion, anger and depression I carried with me like a dead weight. Keller also deals with the heavy intellectual emphasis by including personal stories at the end of each chapter in the first two sections, a practice I wish he had continued into the third part, as well.

 

I liked this book – but I like Keller, and I like theology. Before recommending it to someone else, I would want to know whether they are ready for a gentle exercise in philosophy. Part of the reason I enjoyed the book was that it confirmed some of my own beliefs, for example, that God is in control, that the world is a broken place and that suffering is and will be redemptive. Everyone must come to their own conclusions about the meaning of life and the purpose of suffering – I don’t think being handed a mantra on a silver platter solves anything – and this book allows room for that kind of wrestling. It also attempts to provide some practical strategies for dealing with pain, largely from the Psalms, but there is something about those final chapters which falls short, remaining too academic for me. Coping with suffering, like everything else we do, can be worship – should be worship – and at its best, worship is a passionate undertaking. For that you will have to read something else.

Elder Brother Sadness

How far would you go to know the reality of unconditional love in your life? Belonging is a basic, human need on par with water and air, something every child must have to thrive in the world, something many adults still hunger for. One survivor of the Jonestown Massacre, where more than 900 people died in a cult-related mass suicide, told reporters that it could happen simply because, “We are all looking for a place to fit in” (interview on The Today Show, 4/4/17). The despair which comes from never quite finding that place can also show up as frustration, isolation, competition and bitterness. I think that’s what happened to the elder brother in Jesus’ story of the prodigal son.

 

Most of us can bring to mind a mental picture of the angry, arrogant young man depicted in Luke 15:11-32. Moreover, those of us who are familiar with Tim Keller’s eye-opening Prodigal God book and sermon series realize that the older sibling is actually the focus of the story, and we have scanned our own hearts for our elder brother sin. Elder brother resentment, elder brother selfishness, elder brother pride, these we know. But in this post I mean to suggest that those sins grow out of another, hidden problem that you might also find inside your heart: elder brother sadness.

 

The prodigal’s stay-at-home sibling never left his father’s side. He lived in his house, shared his resources, ate dinner with dad every night, enjoying his own inheritance day after day. And yet, when his lost brother returned to the family, his reaction was to accuse their father of favoring the one who strayed. He refused to join the party because, deep inside, he thought it should have been thrown for him.

 

The father’s response to his refusal is often thought of as a rebuke. Yet his words are tender, his tone inviting: “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.” The father seems to be comforting rather than confronting his older child, the child who didn’t realize he always had everything he wanted.

 

How SAD that he lived all those years with the Father and never felt – really felt – that he belonged. And the fear that he never would robbed him of any generosity or compassion he might have shown to others. When I think of the Pharisees to whom Jesus was preaching, it is easy to be judgmental. But when I think of the abiding sadness which drove the elder brother out into the night alone, it gives me a new perspective on his sin and mine.

 

One of the things Keller says the elder brother should have done is to stand beside the Father as host of the party. What if he had understood that all those years of faithful service were never about earning a fatted calf? What if he had spent those years believing he was enhancing the beauty of his own household instead? Might he have taken the same joy as his parent in preparing a huge feast, inviting others to share his table? What would it be like for me to serve with an attitude of giving away what is already mine instead of subtly trying to earn something for myself?

 

The elder brother thought that a party in his honor would have made him feel loved. I often think that, too. (If only I were more affirmed, more noticed, more lauded!) What if he had realized that every day at home was a party in his honor? Might he have lost his fear of never belonging? Every day I live in the favor of my Father, in the company of His family, in the righteousness of Christ, is a party in my honor. O, Lord, let me live each day in light of this sweet truth and never confuse some temporary, superficial affirmation for Your means of grace.

 

Don’t cry too hard for the elder brother; he fled blindly from sadness and fear into sin. But see him with new eyes, as a warning of what we might become if our eyes are not opened and our hearts not grounded in the unconditional love which is ours every day. I have a necklace given to me by a good friend which reminds me, “My beloved is mine, and I am his.” I am going to try to believe this harder. No party in the world will ever cast out my sadness, loneliness and fear, but God’s love is able to do it. I want to remember: there is a warm and beautiful place I can never be kicked out of, and I already live there.

 


Some things to think about:

  • The elder brother thought that a big party in his honor would fix his emptiness. What is it that you think would fix your emptiness? Would it really?
  • What are the things God has already given you to show that you belong? Are there ways you could believe those a little harder?
  • How would it be different if your service was never about earning, but truly about giving away something you already have?
  • The elder brother’s fear drove him to pride and selfishness instead of driving him to the Father’s love. What sins do your fears drive you toward?
  • How can we respond in faith to those fears? (Think about things like identifying and embracing your spiritual family, practicing gratitude, creating reminders of God’s love, encouraging yourself with the truth, looking to God for affirmation, etc.) Please share any practical ideas you have!